My son

I have to take my son to court tom. We went to the beach and he was drinking. He tried walking with the cup and they arrested him. I never thought I would see my son get arrested.

He is only seventeen and he really doesn't even drink. He was just trying it. He said everyone started walking and before he knew it he was in handcuffs headed for the police station.

It took me 40 dollars to bail him out and he is looking at a 300 dollar fine. I don't know where we are going to come up with that kind of money. He does not seem to worried about it and I worry to much.

I worry so much that they put me on all kinds of medication. I take six pills a day. One for depression, one for anxiety and one for sleeping. I don't know if I will ever get off the medicine cause without it I am a wreck.

I could not afford to buy it one month and I was a mess. All I did was worry and cry. My sister took pity on me and let me borrow the money to get my medicine. I take it faithfully now and the only thing is I'm bored. My dr. still insists I'm depressed but I am more bored then depressed.

School starts in four days and then I will be happy again. I will be swamped with homework and I will get my student loans so I can pay my bills. I think life is too hard and sometimes I go out of my mind with worry.

No feeling left

At one point I thought I was falling for my daughters father again. That is over. I realized that I could never go back with him. There is too much water under the bridge.

Sometimes I dream that we will get back together and the fight for my daughter will be over but I know now that that is impossible. We have had to many fights and he has a fierce temper.

I guess I was just feeling lonely and he was here so I was thinking about things that could never be.

I wonder if I will ever get married. I have never been married and I am 46 years old. I have been asked to get married a few times in my life but it never felt right to me. Either they drank to much and they all alegedly beat me so who would want to marry that.

I feel like my time will never come. The only thing I have to hold onto is my children. I can't wait for the day when they are all grown and have families of their own. Then I can die in peace.

Sleep overs

It is getting harder now. School is starting so my x has not been letting my daughter sleep here during the week. He takes her to his house so he can get her in the routine of going to bed on time and getting up early.

My daughter cries in my arms whenever she has to leave. Then I cry all night because I miss her so much. I try to go to bed early because he brings her back the next morning but I spend the time tossing and turning.

She slept over lastnight and she insists on sleeping in the same bed as me. We fall asleep with the TV on. She always jumps on me and snuggles in my arms. I can tell she really misses me.

This is going to be a hard time having to send her home everynight. She only gets to sleep over one night on the weekends. For a nine year old and her mom that just is not enough.

The justice system has nothing to do with justice. I still hold to the fact that the one with the most money wins.

Bills

It is so difficult to be a single parent who doesn't get child support. Like right now. All my bills are paid but I don't have a dollar to my name. I want to take my children out to do something but we don't even have gas in the car.

I lost my part time job so I am really worried where our next meal is coming from. For instance right now I have not eaten because we have no bread. I have a piece of toast every morning.

I thank god that I have cereal for the kids and milk other wise they would be going hungry. We went without meat for three weeks last month. My children thought it was because I didn't want to cook but it was really because I didn't have the money to buy us real suppers.

The church comes by once a month and brings me food. They give me things like cereal and things the children will eat but I don't like any of that stuff.

What I do is wait until I'm really hungry and then eat real fast so I don't taste what I am eating. My children like what they are eating so that is all that matters to me.

I see their fathers all the time and i'm sure if I asked my daughters father to borrow some money he would let me, but i'm too embarassed. He is very well off and works hard for a living and doesn't understand why I went back to college because I am so broke.

I only have one semester left and then I will beable to find a job and get back to having money again.

Birthday party

My daughters' father is being very nice. My daughter just turned nine years old. He had my whole family over his house for a party.

He bought pizza, cake and all the drinks. We had a good time celebrating her party.

Now I am by myself and I find myself wondering where we went wrong. I find myself really liking him again and wondering if things could ever work out between us. I guess this is what they call the honeymoon stage.

Worry

This whole summer I have been worried about money. I picked up a couple of cleaning jobs but I put my son on my car insurance and it is expensive.

What I do when I worry I drive. This summer I had a twenty a dollar day habit.

I would get in my car buy a pack of cigarettes and a coffee and put ten bucks in the tank and then I would just drive.

I know every block around my house. I drove around in circles this summer. I had to get in the car and drive. I could not just sit here. Any time not doing anything and I would have to get my keys get my coffee and continue the circle.

It has not warn off yet because school has not started. I still have about a week before I am back in classes and up to my neck in homework. I'm looking forward to that right now.

Plus I get my student loans and that is a big help with my finances. I worry all the time about my bills and my future.

Movie night

We also have movie night. My son use to join in but he doesn't anymore.

What we do is pick a movie that we already have here. We have a ton of them because I use to collect movies. Then my daughter makes popcorn and she pours me and her a pepsi on ice. We share one.

Then me and my daughter sit here and have movie night together. We ususally do it on friday nights but we always do it. We have been having movie night for about a year now.

Even through the school year we do it. In fact we have not done it much this summer cause I let my daughter stay up late every night and we have shows we watch.

Now that school is coming back we will go back to movie night I hope. That is one of my daughters favorite nights.

Karate

My daughter's father got a free month to a Karate school and we have been taking her there twice a week.

We go as a family and we sit and watch as she learns a series of kicks and punches.

I'm blogging on this because Derek just signed her up for a full membership tonight. She can go to two classes a week and they take one hundred dollars a month out of his checking account. I miss having money.

He is willing to pay for it and has the money. So all the things I have been saying are confirmed. I am glad he provides for my daughter even though he doesn't help me out. I would only ask for fifty dollars a week.

We also go as a family so I am watching what I am saying and getting along quite nicely with him. We sit and watch our daughter together, once he took me out for coffee. He has offered to buy me soda's before the practices.

These are still the struggles. Now I think I am starting to see the things I use to l ove about him and he does flirt with me a little. It would take a pretty big bridge to cover the water but it would be nice if we could get back together for my daughter.

I know it will never happen, but for the first time in five years I am starting to get along with him and a little nastalga is kicking in. It would never happen but I must admit sometimes I do wish things would have worked out between us. It took me five years to get here. The struggles they have caused me. I wonder if he will ever cause me the stress he has in the past. I pray everyday we stay friends.

Seventeen

My son the one on the right is seventeen now. He no longer feels like he has to answer to me.

Ever since the summer started it has gotten worse. Lastnight he slept out all night and didn't even call and this is not the first time.

I always explain to him how worried I was and that I have no choice to call the police or hospitals if I don't have his friends phone numbers. He wrote his girlfriends number out for me a while ago and today it took me four tries because of how sloppy he wrote it.

I got some numbers from her and located him. He was on his way home and his cell phone broke lastnight. He has no answer as to why he couldn't use a friends.

He keeps asking me if I was really that worried. I keep trying to explain to him that even when he says he is going to be home at 9 and doesn't come home til 12 I worry.

I guess it is something he refuses to get. He feels like he is a man now and he is just burning up time living here til he goes off to college. He has one more year left of highschool.

Well I love my son and other then that he is pretty responsible. He does chores when I ask him too most times and he never disrespects me. He has held down a job for over a year now and they like him.

I sometimes have heart attacks sitting here wondering where he is. Latley he has been keeping me in the loop by texting. The other part of it is his friends spend most of their time here latley. He use to sleep out a lot more then he has been. Lastnight was the first time in a long time and he didn't even call me.

I open his door every morning to either check how many kids slept over or if he is even in there.

Getting the bills paid

All through motherhood I wondered how the bills will get paid. When you are working and struggling it is hard to see where ends are going to meet.

Some how through the years no matter how much I worry I have paid my bills. It has been 17 years now that I have been a single parent and a day has not gone by where I didn't worry if we were going to make it.

As the years went on and then my daughter was born the worry increased.

But now I see we are making it. Right now I am only working part time and money is really tight. I worry constantly if I am going to finish college or have to go back to work instead.

So far though I have been getting by. I decided to make a career change and I never saw that money was going to be this tight but we seem to be making it.

I feel good when I get all the bills paid and there is food in the refrigerator. Last month we went without meat for three weeks. This month we have recovered and there is meet in the freezer and in the oven.

I feel good when I am paying my bills. Are there any people out there that worry constantly like me?

Happy

I'm so happy I am finally not hating my daughters father that I have to blog about it again.

It feels so good to look at him while he is talking and want to hear what he is saying. It feels good to be in a conversation with him.

I realized we both want what is best for my daughter and he really doesn't mean any ill will toward me. My daughter is better off spending the school nights at his house. He is much better at getting her to bed and then off to school in the morning. I have to admit that.

So right now I am confident in the decision I made in court to let him just have the physical custody. I see my daughter everyday and she sleeps over all summer. She comes over after school and just sleeps at his house at night. I still feed her dinner, get her showers and do homework with her.

So I am not going to feel any ill will toward her father anymore. I hope we can continue on this way for the rest of our lives.

We still do things as a family like walks and bike rides, different things like that and I think that is also good for my daughter.

Money

I just have to report that I actually got some money off my sons father. It was only 25 dollars but it is a start.

My sons father has not given me child support in five years. I have reported him to DOR several times and they have not done a thing. The last phone call I got from them I was told that I had to come up with his address or I was out of luck. They actually told me that my son will be turning 18 soon and they can't do anything. I asked them about back support and they said I needed a court order.

Well DOR is suppose to be the ones who get you the court order. I feel like it is all pretty hopeless now and I will just struggle on as a single parent.

I guess I will be grateful if he buys my son a new pair of sneakers for school this year and at this point it is the most I can hope for.

25 dollars was a slap in the face. Don't forget this is a man who makes more then 50 thousand a year.

Welfare haters.

I just want to put a post out there to all the people who grumble about welfare. You know a lot of those people getting assistance are just as hard working as you are. They have paid into the system all their lives to and if they need it sometime it is there money too.

Not many people escape paying taxes. Everyone pays them. So why must you grumble about people who sometimes need help. People are not allowed to stay on welfare all their lives. They have checks and balances in place.

I am so sick of people who complain about welfare, fuel assistance and food stamps.

I was just driving home along the river and my brother pointed out people all along the river who live in tents. Does that make you grumblers feel better. Would you rather your taxes be a little higher so we can house those people or would you rather have your taxes lower so you can add to the children starving in the streets?

I just want to say you sicken me. I would rather have higher taxes. I could write on this subject forever but I don't think you would appreciate my comments.

We don't get along

Just the opposite is with my sons father. It is so hard to get along with him like you would not believe.

First of all when you call or see him you never know what guy your going to get. The mean and nasty one or the charming one.

Mostly I get the mean and nasty one especially when I ask for money. I still bite my tongue and don't let him bait me into arguments anymore. It is not easy.

We have to fight him on everything. He thinks family weddings are more important then bills.

Right now I am trying to get money off him and he won't give me his address. I was suppose to meet him for five days now. He keeps putting it off and not answering my calls and making it very difficult.

The only thing I have is my daughters father. I may be facing some real financial trouble and He has told me if it comes to that he will help me for a month or two.

So I guess you can get along with some people but others are just impossible. Does anyone have any tips on how to locate someone's address, I already tried to google him, they are not recent.

We get along

I decided with my children's father to drop the sword. I figure I have been getting along without their support for this long why worry.

It has been working well with me and my daugthers father. Not only are we getting along but we do a lot of things together.

All through the summer we have been taking her bike riding, to the lake, on walks. We went to the mall together and got her ears pierced and her hair cut.

He has been being very nice to me, buying me coffees inviting me along to birthday parties she gets invited to. He even took me out for lunch.

Yesterday we had her nine year old birthday party at his house. I spent all day there with him into the night.

I hate to admit it, but a part of me is starting to see the man I use to love. Plus I must admit, that even though he doesn't help me out with money my daughter has everything and he is and excellent father. He provides well for her.

The beach

When your a single mom you come up with things to do with your children that don't cost a lot of money. Unless you get child support.

One thing we did was visit my sisters cabin on the beach. She made it a wonderful time. Her and I sat in chairs on the edge of the shore and watched as my children played.

Christian dove in and rode the waves with his cousins and Faith dove in and did the same. She had a boogie board so we all kept a close eye on her while she stayed hip deep and rode it to shore.

The laughs and smiles on my childrens faces made all my cares go away. I didn't worry that the electric bill was over due or that their fathers didn't respect me. It was all about their laughs and their smiles.

I love my children beyond believe.

We went back to the cottage and had something to eat and then we all as a family walked down to see the fireworks. We sat and watched as the sky exploded into colors. Then we walked the shore back to the cabin and talked.

When I am old and gray I will remember these times and not the struggles.

Without money

This has been a rough summer because I have not had a lot of money.

The things I ended up doing with my daughter involved different things you can do for free.

Like we went on a lot of walks. I took her swimming at the local beach. We went to grandma's for a dip in her pool. We went to all the local parks. My sister got a cabin right on the beach so we went up there for a night. My son came with us on that trip.

My son is seventeen now so he doesn't want to do much with me. There are some things he will join in, like the beach trip and I had to talk him into that.

So the summer is almost over and school will be starting soon. All and all they did a lot this summer. The things I couldn't do with them like take them out to eat they went with their fathers.

Their fathers didn't really take them on any real extravagant trips either, things are getting way to expensive.

The most expensive thing I did with them is take them to the beach and that only cost me gas money. We didn't shop the stores we went on the beach and then watched the fireworks. We spent a whole day and night there and that was our summer vacation and we had a good time.

We return to court

When we returned to court I just couldn't do it anymore. Derek had every intention of keeping up the supervised visits. My mother had already informed me that she was no longer doing them after this court date. That would mean I would not see my daughter at all. Keep in mind I just got out of the hospital.

He has his lawyer there and they were planning on going in there and ripping me apart like they did the last time. I had lost custody of my son for seven years and it was all because he had and expensive attorney that could really work the court. It was horrible.

Sitting in the hall outside the court houses and offices I just couldn't do it anymore. I gave into my x.

He took full custody of my daughter. I see her everyday after school and she sleeps at his house during the school week. We share the weekends. So we still share her equally. He just wanted it in writing that he has physical custody, so I gave it to him.

I still have Joint Legal. Does the courts really think they are fair? I would like to take a poll of anyone that has been in a custody battle and ask you did you think it was fair?

I was in the hospital.

While I was in the hospital my daughters father took custody.

It was a long serious of court dates where he got them to supervise my visits. My mother had to come and sit in my house for three hours three times a week. That is the only time I got to see my daughter.

The judge also ordered a physciatric evaluation on me and they were assigning a court officer to come to our houses and do a whole investigation on us.

This is how it continued for five weeks. They believed my x when he told a bunch of lies about me and I ended up walking out before the judge was finished.

So for five weeks I picked my mother up and she sat here while I tried to visit with my daughter. We were all very depressed and not happy that this had happened.

I could see the long arm of the law reaching into my life like it did with my son and I was dieing on the inside. I became very desperate.

Has anyone ever found themselves in such turmoil that they don't know which way to turn?