My son

I have to take my son to court tom. We went to the beach and he was drinking. He tried walking with the cup and they arrested him. I never thought I would see my son get arrested.

He is only seventeen and he really doesn't even drink. He was just trying it. He said everyone started walking and before he knew it he was in handcuffs headed for the police station.

It took me 40 dollars to bail him out and he is looking at a 300 dollar fine. I don't know where we are going to come up with that kind of money. He does not seem to worried about it and I worry to much.

I worry so much that they put me on all kinds of medication. I take six pills a day. One for depression, one for anxiety and one for sleeping. I don't know if I will ever get off the medicine cause without it I am a wreck.

I could not afford to buy it one month and I was a mess. All I did was worry and cry. My sister took pity on me and let me borrow the money to get my medicine. I take it faithfully now and the only thing is I'm bored. My dr. still insists I'm depressed but I am more bored then depressed.

School starts in four days and then I will be happy again. I will be swamped with homework and I will get my student loans so I can pay my bills. I think life is too hard and sometimes I go out of my mind with worry.

No feeling left

At one point I thought I was falling for my daughters father again. That is over. I realized that I could never go back with him. There is too much water under the bridge.

Sometimes I dream that we will get back together and the fight for my daughter will be over but I know now that that is impossible. We have had to many fights and he has a fierce temper.

I guess I was just feeling lonely and he was here so I was thinking about things that could never be.

I wonder if I will ever get married. I have never been married and I am 46 years old. I have been asked to get married a few times in my life but it never felt right to me. Either they drank to much and they all alegedly beat me so who would want to marry that.

I feel like my time will never come. The only thing I have to hold onto is my children. I can't wait for the day when they are all grown and have families of their own. Then I can die in peace.

Sleep overs

It is getting harder now. School is starting so my x has not been letting my daughter sleep here during the week. He takes her to his house so he can get her in the routine of going to bed on time and getting up early.

My daughter cries in my arms whenever she has to leave. Then I cry all night because I miss her so much. I try to go to bed early because he brings her back the next morning but I spend the time tossing and turning.

She slept over lastnight and she insists on sleeping in the same bed as me. We fall asleep with the TV on. She always jumps on me and snuggles in my arms. I can tell she really misses me.

This is going to be a hard time having to send her home everynight. She only gets to sleep over one night on the weekends. For a nine year old and her mom that just is not enough.

The justice system has nothing to do with justice. I still hold to the fact that the one with the most money wins.

Bills

It is so difficult to be a single parent who doesn't get child support. Like right now. All my bills are paid but I don't have a dollar to my name. I want to take my children out to do something but we don't even have gas in the car.

I lost my part time job so I am really worried where our next meal is coming from. For instance right now I have not eaten because we have no bread. I have a piece of toast every morning.

I thank god that I have cereal for the kids and milk other wise they would be going hungry. We went without meat for three weeks last month. My children thought it was because I didn't want to cook but it was really because I didn't have the money to buy us real suppers.

The church comes by once a month and brings me food. They give me things like cereal and things the children will eat but I don't like any of that stuff.

What I do is wait until I'm really hungry and then eat real fast so I don't taste what I am eating. My children like what they are eating so that is all that matters to me.

I see their fathers all the time and i'm sure if I asked my daughters father to borrow some money he would let me, but i'm too embarassed. He is very well off and works hard for a living and doesn't understand why I went back to college because I am so broke.

I only have one semester left and then I will beable to find a job and get back to having money again.

Birthday party

My daughters' father is being very nice. My daughter just turned nine years old. He had my whole family over his house for a party.

He bought pizza, cake and all the drinks. We had a good time celebrating her party.

Now I am by myself and I find myself wondering where we went wrong. I find myself really liking him again and wondering if things could ever work out between us. I guess this is what they call the honeymoon stage.

Worry

This whole summer I have been worried about money. I picked up a couple of cleaning jobs but I put my son on my car insurance and it is expensive.

What I do when I worry I drive. This summer I had a twenty a dollar day habit.

I would get in my car buy a pack of cigarettes and a coffee and put ten bucks in the tank and then I would just drive.

I know every block around my house. I drove around in circles this summer. I had to get in the car and drive. I could not just sit here. Any time not doing anything and I would have to get my keys get my coffee and continue the circle.

It has not warn off yet because school has not started. I still have about a week before I am back in classes and up to my neck in homework. I'm looking forward to that right now.

Plus I get my student loans and that is a big help with my finances. I worry all the time about my bills and my future.

Movie night

We also have movie night. My son use to join in but he doesn't anymore.

What we do is pick a movie that we already have here. We have a ton of them because I use to collect movies. Then my daughter makes popcorn and she pours me and her a pepsi on ice. We share one.

Then me and my daughter sit here and have movie night together. We ususally do it on friday nights but we always do it. We have been having movie night for about a year now.

Even through the school year we do it. In fact we have not done it much this summer cause I let my daughter stay up late every night and we have shows we watch.

Now that school is coming back we will go back to movie night I hope. That is one of my daughters favorite nights.